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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.