Evening Personalities Take Aim At Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Residency Scheme

Television's leading hosts spent their broadcast criticizing President Donald Trump's newly announced visa program, dubbed the "Trump card," characterizing it as a clear cash-for-residency scheme for the wealthy.

Colbert's Witty Take

Starting his broadcast, Stephen Colbert offered a satirical holiday song about the president. "He's compiling a list, reviewing it twice, and then giving that list to the agents at ICE," he sang. "The President ... destroys everything he comes into contact with."

The subject was the new program that permits international individuals to buy U.S. residency for the price of $1 million dollars, with a "top-tier" option for five million. The program's portal pledges approval "faster than ever."

"One thought for you to rich foreigners: before you pony up, what about Canada?" Colbert joked.

He explained that the card is also designed to "extract cash" from companies wishing to hire foreign workers, requiring hefty payments. "That's a lot of fees, however if you sign up, you additionally get free accommodation at a hotel of your choosing – if it's the a specific Marriott," he added.

"Unprecedented screening the U.S. government has before done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to ensure these people truly qualify to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "First question: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Critique

On his late-night show, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"It's a card that will let rich foreigners to live here," he explained. "For a million bucks, you get official resident status, you get a route to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one major crime of your selection."

"It might be time to change that message on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your huddled masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel mocked the brevity of the application, noting it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"That's right, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "That's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you give the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Grocery Issues

On another network, Seth Meyers turned to Trump's slipping poll numbers during financial anxiety. "People gave Donald Trump a another term since they were mad about the economy," he noted.

Recently, in a attempt to tackle cost of living, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a display of grocery items, where he reacted oddly to boxes of cereal.

"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a while."

"Trump is so extremely weird," Meyers said. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by targeting conservative media defenses of Trump's economic record. "Maybe rather than complaining, you should give him a shiny trophy like the one FIFA did," he laughed.